One of the most challenging things for me has been to determine what relationships were suitable to my healthy lifestyle, and what relationships were not. It didn't matter if the other people were healthy themselves - though having a fitness buddy or being friends with someone who is self-aware is certainly easier. What mattered most was whether or not someone else's unhealthy lifestyle was negatively affecting me. Which got me to thinking... about me. Hopefully you'll take that as your cue to start thinking about you, if you haven't already.
A perfect example of being negatively affected by someone else's behavior is the way in which they treat you. It is so easy to look at the world and see abusive relationships. I find that for generations we have become so accustomed to being abusive, insulting, less than nurturing, less than respectful, less than loving or tolerant. I don't believe I need to explain this at great lengths to convince you that abuse is a common part of every day life. Media promotes abuse, simply by asking people to publicly share negative opinions about the way others look, talk, and sometimes even criticizing the way someone is a parent, or what they believe. Of course we hear these things and say those people have a right to free speech and press. It's educational to have a civilized debate, no doubt. I'm sure you have been criticized, and can understand both sides of the argument. The problem is not that negativity and criticism exist in the world, even light cannot exist without darkness. The focus is the way that they exist in your life. Its the willingness to surround yourself with people who are less than nurturing, who are constantly criticizing, insulting with sarcasm, cursing at you, causing you to feel inadequate, making you question your reality by lying to you, making you feel uncomfortable in a way that is difficult to express - basically any form of disrespect, or attempts to change you. Maybe reflect on how people who dont make you feel loved, positive, or happy ended up in your life to begin with. After all, you choose your friends. Think about why you chose the ones you have now. You could be acting out a desire, looking for a savior, looking for something, hoping for someone to teach you, wanting to share yourself - theres a reason even if you havent thought about it.
So in our highs and lows and challenging relationships - how can we become self aware and grow from it in order to turn our struggles to strengths?
Neglect is a common form of less than nurturing behavior. I like to use the term "less than nurturing" as something interchangeable with the word "abuse." Because really, being treated as though you are unloved, or unimportant - via neglect - can be just as harmful as outwardly hitting, or demeaning a person. Countless social science studies have proven that familial behaviors are seen in cycles. You are likely to find a partner who is similar to your opposite sex parent. If not, then you are more likely to become similar to your opposite sex parent - at least according to Freud and countless other developmental theorists. You are likely to raise your children with similar treatment as your parents. If you were in foster care, it is more likely that your child will be in foster care. People who are abusive, or less than nurturing individuals, were often victims of the same treatment - at-risk behavior thereby becomes part of the cycle. To be "at-risk" and to have at-risk behavior, I believe have two different functions. A person is "at-risk" if they have experienced abuse, neglect, abandonment, racism, classicism, etc. At-risk behavior, I believe, is the result of when one is raised in an environment that does not maintain appropriate discipline for rule-breaking behavior. Inappropriate discipline can look like; overly severe punishments for minor rule-breaking, public shame, embarrassment, physical abuse, verbal abuse, no consequences at all, or complete parental indifference. Behavioral problems often come from at-risk families where there is inappropriate discipline (usually verbal or physical harm), or no discipline (neglect). Sometimes the parents or the environment encourages, or models risky behavior. The condoning of at-risk behavior is more prevalent among families whose parents experienced a similar form of neglect, which was the cause or result of trauma, and perpetuated a cycle of poor self-care for generations. It's not uncommon to learn our behavior from our parents/guardians. However, recognizing behavior offers insight on how to end an unwanted cycle. Just like changing any other habit, it takes a lot of self-awareness, examination, spirituality, and will to change, in order to sort through all of the emotions and habits that were maybe never recognized before.
I believe I experienced an "average" amount of abuse as a child. I was bullied by peers, neglected, sometimes hit, harassed by teachers, and I had absolutely no sense of who I was at the age when I felt I should have been figuring it out. Most of the negative experiences I had, came from school or home. All of the positive experiences I had came from my home environment. It was a mixed bag. Although few negative experiences were directly related to my parents, the way in which I coped was self-taught and subsequently one-sided - often submissive with poor boundaries, anger, anxiety, and no idea what to do with it other than repress repress repress.
I believe that positive emotional habits, boundaries, and views of self can be taught. Being educated about the "self" helps individuals to cope in challenging social settings through relying on inner strength. None of that existed for me in my upbringing. Moreover, cohering to an Orthodox Christian view of the world limited me in understanding my self-worth and internal power.
It's clear to me now that some of the habits I have learned through childhood experiences had to do with perpetuating poor physical health, poor boundaries, and insecurity. Putting a lot of these learned behaviors to rest has not been easy, and is still often a struggle. The will to change is like a light-switch - it's either on or it's not. However, the act of changing is a process.
Examining my thoughts, actions, and emotions as they relate to my upbringing and life experiences, has been an eye-opening education. I learned as an adult that, ultimately, it was never someone else negatively affecting me. Rather, it was me surrounding myself with people who joined in my behavioral cycle instead of helping me to emerge from it. It was me, staying in the emotional and behavioral state that I had learned as a child, not growing or learning from it. I was not self-aware or self-confident enough to recognize poor habits, let alone vocalize them in relationships. I was in dire need of an epiphany to break me of the habits I had been acting out, in all of my relationships. As soon as I realized that, I went to work. I've always felt that if you're not changing, you're not living - in fact you're probably staying completely still. I did not want to be a statue.
Once I realized what my unwanted learned behaviors were, I examined my "self" and my relationships. The first thing I did was recognize the relationships that were condoning my behavior, and had become unhealthy for me in doing so. They kept me from growing, they taught me how to look down on myself, they blinded me to my potential, they did not present me with the kind of environment that felt safe and secure and therefore brought out all of my insecurities and fears. Sometimes, they were just relationships I didn't feel comfortable speaking candidly in, and I needed to work on my own approach to conflict before I could further engage with that person. A lot of the times, it was me taking a step back to realize that I was leaving space for me to be treated in ways that I didn't want. I would welcome undesirable treatment, and let people closest to me get away with it. In other words, I was submissive to abuse, and sometimes chose it. Those relationships were the ones that were unhealthy for me, and reflected changes I needed to make within myself.
Some people like to say that nothing is forever, even when it comes to relationships. However, I say that operating under the assumption that nothing is forever, could help to maintain defenses and decrease chances of vulnerability, transparency, and true gratitude in interpersonal relationships. Maybe the people who say "nothing is forever" have been abandoned or isolated and thats the outlook they use to cope. Be defensive, okay, but limiting yourself to the potential of you and your relationships is completely self-deprecating, isolating, bullshit.
Vulnerability, transparency, and gratitude are the bridge between you and the other person - thats the good stuff that you don't want to miss out on. We see in our own behavior that everything is forever, not because our behavior doesn't change (it does!), rather, because what we experience as children and in our environments live on in us. As adults, its still there. What if I told you that how you look, feel, and think now will be how you look, feel, and think for eternity? Would you be satisfied with that? Operating under the assumption that you are forever - ignoring whatever you believe about religion or spirits - may give you the sense that now is the perfect time to show yourself what love can look like. Real love. It's vulnerable, transparent, it helps you grow in humility, gratitude, empathy, confidence, and it makes you beautiful. It makes your soul glow. Love is endless and by becoming a beacon of love for yourself and others you are becoming endless. The relationships that may feel unhealthy for you now, may not be unhealthy for you later, but now is what is important. Cross that bridge when you come to it - otherwise you may keep looking for the bridge and learn that you were never on an island to begin with.
Affirmation
"Love yourself. Forgive yourself. Be true to yourself. How you treat yourself sets the standard for how others will treat you."
Steve Maraboli
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